Lord I want to know You more deeply
by Gill Newham Missionary to Mongolia
“Lord I want to know you more deeply,” is the constant cry of my heart but often the way to know Christ more deeply comes through struggles and pain. I’m certain I’ve written this before because I often find myself wrestling to understand God’s purposes in the midst of struggles and to deal with pain in a right way.
However, as I get older I’m learning that I have choices. My default reaction is to bury pain, which usually makes my world bleaker and weakens my hope until a festering mass of emotions suddenly explodes on some innocent person. Or, with military efficiency, I deploy fixing tactics to deal with problems. “Read your Bible, pray longer, attend a Bible Study, preach harder, seek counsel and have an early night.” This list is valuable and good but after disciplining myself with practical solutions I’m realising that heart issues are not fixed by endless activity alone.
I need to bring all my troubles to Jesus. It sounds easy. And yet it can be so hard to really lay everything at Jesus’ feet. But I’ve noticed as I do I see that I’m not alone, Jesus is with me and, leaning on Him, I understand that life has seasons. There are times of tears and sadness. It is not wrong and by clinging to Jesus my heart grows tenderer and I, perhaps, become a little wiser.
My mind can still run down some of the old pathways — “Is God punishing me for my sin?” or, “Why isn’t He punishing those who’ve caused me pain, surely they are evil and justice needs to be served?” Allowing such toxic thoughts to take root excludes my enemy from God’s love and blinds me to the truth of my own sin. God asks us to love Him and to love our neighbour although without God’s help it is an impossible task.
Jesus is the resurrection and the life, that’s what comes out of the Cross. Jesus turns our pain and death into a resurrection. It’s not about trying to be good or trying to make our world better, but about receiving resurrection life. Jesus brought the power of heaven to earth. I can hardly grasp the implications of that statement but writing it stirs faith in me as, incredulously, I believe that He will heal all our suffering, that all crimes will be judged righteously and that all our sadness will be overwhelmed by His joy and glory.
Is it too much? Do I really believe the gospel?
God yearns to make all things new. He came to raise us from the dead and give us resurrection life. And in order to do that He placed himself in death’s way. As He brought Lazarus from the tomb He had to allow himself to be placed in the tomb.
He loves us so much that He was willing to suffer Himself. His life was filled with suffering. But His suffering doesn’t mean that we won’t suffer, but rather that we can understand that He suffers with us. He truly understands our pain and is not remote or far from us. He is close, giving us all we need, giving us love and grace. He is the perfect comforter, our perfect comforter, bringing maturity and glory from our suffering and grief.